For most of us, it was just another head-shaking utterance in what was then becoming—and has since continued to be—a veritable parade of disturbingly inappropriate remarks. But for renowned linguistic algorithmist Johannessen Geerthengorj, that pivotal moment during a Republican Presidential debate in 2016, when Donald Trump proclaimed the primacy of his penis (“I guarantee you, there’s no problem. I guarantee.”), sparked an intellectual inquiry that has now, four years later, yielded a remarkable conclusion.
In an article titled “From Mouth to Manhood: The Inverse Correlation Between Brash Words and Big Wood,” published in this month’s Journal of Computational Linguistics, Dr. Geerthengorj—dean of the Department of Theorem Semantics at Sweden’s Falska University—described his formulation of a complex algorithm which uses language, context, historical analysis, and personal demographics to determine the length and circumference of a male speaker’s private anatomy.
Citing its high value as a research tool and the potential monetization of its proprietary formula, Geerthengorj declined to reveal each element of his newly-devised algorithm, but he was willing to offer several insights.
“The variables, and their respective impacts on the algorithm’s calculations, are vast,” Geerthengorj told our correspondent, Don Chubaleevit, “but some are unsurprisingly obvious. Is a man modest and soft-spoken in his phrasing? Add a few millimeters. Conversely, does he constantly insist that everything about him is huge, the best, the biggest? Subtract a few millimeters. Are the man’s words honest and fair-minded? Add. Does he lie without shame? Subtract. Is his verbal style respectful and sympathetic? Humanistic? Unselfish? Add, add, and add. On the other hand, does a man insult or make fun of people? Is he unable to laugh at himself? Are his words angry and venal and suspicious and vindictive and petty and dishonest and dictatorial? Well, let’s just say, according to our algorithm, such a man would not be crowding his own jockstrap.”
Having tested the algorithm against verifiable objective data on various men throughout history, Geerthengorj has confirmed its efficacy. “We’ve chosen famous men from the past,” he explained, “men whose utterings are known to historians and whose physical measurements have likewise been recorded or preserved through the ages—and in each case, before we are given the actual physical measurements as recorded by history, we insert the words, phrases, and other data into our algorithm, and the algorithm has in every case correctly calculated, to a plus-or-minus milli-fraction of a millimeter, the correct dimensions of the particular gentleman’s genitalia.”
Asked for specifics, Geerthengorj, perhaps understandably, was only slightly forthcoming. “It’s not polite to go through the whole list,” he insisted, “but I can tell you, for example, that our algorithm posited, and verifiable medical and post-mortem data has confirmed, that Gandhi was hung like a Clydesdale.”
And so what does the Geerthengorj algorithm tell us about Donald Trump? “Well,” he hedged, “we have no physical measurements with which to verify, so any conclusion would be purely theoretical, and in any event provisional.” Asked to elaborate, Geerthengorj clarified: “Theoretically, according to our algorithm, Mr. Trump’s personal anatomy would likely measure somewhere between Margaret Thatcher and Pee Wee Herman—but this conclusion must be understood to be wholly provisional.”
“Because every time he opens his mouth, his penis gets a little bit smaller.”