Don’t Cross The Ronald!

Just days after lambasting a revered celebrity for slighting him, and barely 24 hours after excoriating a legendary performer for scolding him, the man known to many as “The Ronald” today unleashed his don’t-cross-me wrath on eight-year-old Destiny Mermelstein of Queens, New York.

Reading his favorite children’s book, My Python Ate Your Puppy, to a third-grade class as part of a media event designed to show a softer side of the tycoon-cum-aspiring politician, the easily-offended Ronald Chump apparently took umbrage when young Destiny failed to suppress a broad yawn midway through the event. 

“Excuse me, little girl,” Chump said testily, interrupting his own reading, “but didn’t your mother ever teach you to cover your mouth when you yawn?”

The third-grader, clearly embarrassed, lowered her head in silence, but Chump persisted:  “I asked you a question, little girl.  It’s bad enough to yawn when one of the world’s greatest businessmen takes time out of his busy day to spend it with you, but to yawn without covering your mouth is just disgusting.  Hasn’t your mother taught you any manners whatsoever?”

The young Miss Mermelstein, whose mother died in childbirth, put her face in her hands and began to cry, but Chump was having none of it.  Addressing the entire class of eight and nine-year-olds, The Ronald wagged his finger: “You see, boys and girls, this is why the world doesn’t respect America any more–because some of our young people have never been taught how to act in the presence of greatness, and because, instead of respecting great people, they rudely yawn and cry in front of them.”

When the class’s teacher attempted to intervene, Chump upbraided her as well.  “That girl’s behavior is partly your fault,” Chump insisted.  “I am a great man–many, many, many times greater than any other great man these children will ever meet–and you should have prepared your students for how to act when in the presence of such very, very, very great greatness.”

Then, in a parting shot as he picked up his book and turned to leave, Chump–whose much-publicized feuds with people from all walks of life stand as testimony to his no-holds-barred response to any perceived insult–turned to the now-sobbing, motherless Destiny Mermelstein and said, in an icy, matter-of-fact tone: “By the way, little girl, you’re not just rude–you’re ugly, too.”

He then left for his next engagement, a signing party for his new memoir,  The Greatness Of Greatness: It’s Great To Be So Great.

~~Kenn Shapiro