My Poll Can Beat Up Your Poll

Startling Poll Results

Pundits left and right agree that the cost of the 2012 Presidential campaign will break all records, as each party hustles to raise and spend upwards of a billion dollars.  Lost in this analysis of campaign finance is any attention to yet another record sure to be broken in the coming campaign season:  The number of election opinion polls.

From Ipsos to Marist to Quinnipiac, from Pew to Rasmussen to Gallup, from every major newspaper, television news network, and college statistics department in America–this year, every organization with access to a telephone (or so it seems) is polling the electorate, attempting thereby to divine and offer a minute-by-minute account of the speed and direction of the country’s political winds.  It’s a polling frenzy that’s prompted us here at Fresh Rhetoric to shake our heads and wonder:  Hey, what the hell are we waiting for?

And so, with the 2012 Presidential election less than four months away, the Fresh Rhetoric Institute for Telephonic Communication and Public Opinion Response (known inside the polling industry as FRITCommPubOpResp, for short), aided by its proprietary DinnerInterruptus™ computerized robocalling technology, polled 10,600 Americans in six key battleground states, and while some of the results were predictable, some had us raising an eyebrow or two.

Devised by FRITCommPubOpResp Director Don Chubaleevit, our Fresh Rhetoric 2012 Presidential Election Poll queried Democrats, Republicans, and Independents on a wide range of issues, and while the full results will not be released until our formal press conference, we’re pleased to provide our loyal Fresh Rhetoric audience with this exclusive sneak-peek at some of the more interesting highlights.

Behold:

● 100% of likely voters say they are likely to vote.

● While 64% of Republicans identify themselves as Tea Partiers, the same 64% think the Olympics are named after Olympia Dukakis.

● A majority of voters between the ages of 18 and 40 will be voting for Barack Obama.  A majority of voters between the ages of 40 and 75 will be voting for Mitt Romney.  A majority of voters between the ages of 75 and 90 will be voting for Adlai Stevenson.

● While 93% of Democrats believe Barack Obama will get 100% of the Democratic vote, 99% of Republicans believe that, as a result of new voting laws in battleground states, Obama will receive only 73% of the Democratic vote, with the remaining 27% of the Democratic vote, “um, abstaining, yeah, that’s it, abstaining.”

● 52% of self-identified liberal Democrats who plan to vote for Obama will be doing so “ambivalently,” while the other 48% will be doing so “equivocally.”

● 22% of Independents think Mitt Romney is a flipper, 22% think he’s a flopper, and 56% think he can go either way.

● 73% of Republicans think Barack Obama was born in Kenya, 39% of Republicans think “Kenya” is the first name of one of Hugh Hefner’s girlfriends, and 17% of Republicans think both of the previous statements are true.

● When asked, “Who is Reince Priebus,” 19% of all likely voters said he was Chairman of the Republican National Committee, 22% said he was a power forward on the Denver Nuggets, and 59% said, “Who?”

● 88% of Republicans think Mitt Romney is a job-creator, 87% of Democrats think he’s a job-destroyer, and 44% of Independents think he’s a job-avoider.  Interestingly, though, a full 98% of all likely voters agree that he “walks kinda funny.”

● 49% of all likely voters think Donald Trump’s mother didn’t love him enough, 49% think she loved him too much, and 2% think she loved him “as much as anyone could.”

● Asked which poll they trusted the least, a majority of self-identified liberals said Quinnipiac, a majority of self-identified conservatives said Rasmussen, and a majority of self-identified Tea Partiers said Roman Polanski.

There’s more–lots more–including the results of such poll queries as, “Which Florida governor has creepier eyes, Rick Scott or Charlie Crist,” and “Which TV network will be the next to fire Keith Olbermann?”  For full Fresh Rhetoric polling data and results, be sure to tune in to our formal press briefing–to be scheduled as soon as I get my tuxedo back from the cleaners.

~~Kenn Shapiro

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