Inside the Kardashian Divorce

Like most Americans, we here at Fresh Rhetoric were devastated–devastated!–to learn that the storybook marriage between Kim Kardashian and her really tall husband (whose name we can’t remember) is, alas, coming to an end. 

How, we wondered, could this have happened?  How could two people who looked so good standing next to each other—two people who’d been acquainted with each other not merely for days or weeks, but for several actual months before committing to spend the rest of their lives together—how could their marital bliss turn to marital miss in less time than it takes Lindsay Lohan to commit a probation violation?

For answers, we turned to Fresh Rhetoric’s Chief Celebrity Affairs Correspondent, Don Chubaleevit, whose years of study at Princevard University’s Graduate Institute for Advanced Celebritology (as well as his oddly accurate method for confirming anonymous tips by analyzing patterns in the weave of Geraldo Rivera’s mustache) render him uniquely qualified for the job of filling in the blanks on this national tragi-mystery.

Distilling random information and unsolicited opinion from various disconnected sources, Chubaleevit has confirmed, and we here at Fresh Rhetoric can now reveal, that the “irreconcilable differences” cited in Ms. Kardashian’s divorce petition relate not to issues of residency or fidelity (as reported by others), but to diametrically opposing views on a far thornier subject: Keynesian economics.

“Kim has always been a staunch proponent of governmental intervention during economic downturns,” one source told Chubaleevit, “whereas the guy she married–I can’t remember his name–was adamantly non-interventionist.”

Another source confirmed: “Kimmy’s a real Krugmaniac.  She thinks his take on monetary policy and stimulus are right on the money–no pun intended.  Stiglitz, too–she thinks he’s a genius.  But the guy she married–I forget his name–he’s a real supply-sider, a real Laffer curve type, if you know what I mean, and the two of them would argue constantly.”

“You have to remember,” yet another Kardashian friend reminded Chubaleevit, “that Kim and what’s-his-name–I can never remember his name–they got married just as that whole debt-ceiling debacle was playing out in Washington.  So given their different views on macroeconomic theory, what should have been a happy time–their wedding–turned out to be rather sour.  From there, things went downhill in a hurry.”

The breaking point, according to Chubaleevit’s sources, occurred last week, when Kardashian overheard her husband telling a guest at a party that if it were up to him, Alan Greenspan would still be Chairman of the Federal Reserve.  Kardashian left the party in a huff, and by the time her husband arrived home, she’d already packed his bags.

“It’s all for the better,” a source close to the groom told Chubaleevit.  “It wasn’t just economic theory that drove them apart.  They disagreed on campaign finance laws and foreign aid, too.”

“Plus,” he added, “she could never remember his name.”

~~Kenn Shapiro