Dear Facebook…

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Dear Facebook,

I noticed you’ve recently added a new category of friendship—“Close Friends”—and you’ve been making suggestions about whom among my already paltry (by Facebook standards) list of 151 current friends I might want to elevate to “Close Friend” status.  While I’ve not yet been able to figure out the algorithmic reasoning behind your suggestions—whether it relates to friends I stalk, or friends who stalk me, or friends with similar interests (I didn’t know I had any of those), or friends whose first and last names have the same number of letters as mine—the serendipitous fact is that I have, actually, undergone a recent realignment of certain friendships—a figurative shuffling of the friendship deck, if you will—and the idea of adding not merely one, but several new classes of friendship status appeals to me.  I was wondering, therefore, whether it might be possible for your programmers and code writers to go even further.

Would it be possible, for instance, to add a ranking feature that would enable me to list my friends in order, from best to worst?  My thinking is that the competition for higher rankings would likely inspire many of my Facebook friends to act even friendlier toward me, while my ability to assign lower rankings to some of the laggards would serve as a symbolic, passive-aggressive way of saying, “Hey, you person from summer camp whom I haven’t seen in 45 years–exactly what have you done for me lately?”

Also–and this is a somewhat delicate area, I know–but as a divorced man who occasionally finds himself in a new romantic relationship, I could save myself a lot of explanation time going forward if you would create a friendship category called “Women I’ve Been Romantically Involved With In The Past But That Was A Long Time Ago And Now It’s Strictly Platonic, I Swear!”

Finally–and I believe I speak for the multitudes on this one–I could really use a category entitled “I Don’t Know These People, But I Accepted Their Friend Requests Anyway.” Sure, it’ll drop my number of actual “Friends” down to about 7 (a humiliation, to be sure), but if it helps to assuage the guilt I feel about ignoring so many birthdays, it’ll be well worth the embarrassment.

Thanking you in advance for considering my requests, I remain,

Your Friend,

Kenn Shapiro

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