In a startling media exclusive–a journalistic “scoop de grace,” if you will–Fresh Rhetoric’s Chief Political Affairs Correspondent, Don Chubaleevit, has obtained access to Mitt Romney’s tax returns for the years 2001 through 2009, as well as a draft of his yet-to-be-filed return for 2011. While our crackerjack team of lawyers, accountants, and tax analysts will be spending the next few days sifting through the thousands of pages of schedules and supporting documentation before issuing a full report, they’ve already identified the following tantalizing revelations:
—While he did not report losses related to the sub-prime mortgage crises of 2008 and 2009, Romney did claim combined medical deductions of $2,750,000.00 during those years for treatments related to his unwitting but repeated ingestion of “sub-prime rib.”
–Romney does not, in fact, maintain any Swiss bank accounts. He does, however, own Switzerland.
–In 2004, Romney claimed an itemized deduction of $7,656,000.00 for yacht wax.
–While Romney did, at various times between 2002 and 2011, own businesses in Bermuda, the Cayman Islands, Antigua, Martinique, Andorra, Lichtenstein, and the Maldives, those businesses never turned a profit, and were used solely for the purpose of honing his skills at firing people.
–Romney paid zero taxes in 2006, citing huge losses from that year’s downgrade of Pluto from “planet” to “dwarf planet.”
Story developing. More to follow. Check back frequently.